Been a Few Weeks ~

So Trenten came, and we had said party,
and it was gooood. Good food, good people,
we had some sweet conversations and some
laughs.

I had such wonderful talks with him while he
was here, and found out some stuff he probably
didn't want me to know........ and I have alllll kinds
of emotion about thAt information. Both for him
and for my sweet daughter. All of it's tender loving,
and some of it's sadness.

I hope it all pans out painlessly and joyfully for them both.

So this week coming is spring break and I'm happeeee!!

I may get to go see my Mama and Rachel. And that will be
wonderful. I may get to stay home and work on my house,
and that will be o.k.

I am going to take a day at least and plant grass at the bus barn.
Just cuz.

I love you.

So Much in my Heart Today ~

Trenten is coming home today!
For two weeks. From the war in Afghanistan.
I am so excited to see him.
I am so excited to hug him and talk to him and sit with him.
My heart squeezes and I'm tender hearted when I think of
him having to leave and GO BACK to that in two weeks....
I am very proud of him.
I hope to do what I can to make his visit joyfull.
I'm way excited about his party on Saturday!!!!

Dave. In jail.
Torn between wanting to kick his ass and hug him tight.
And I hurt for his mama, and Lisann.

Micha, what can I say about that?
Being judged for loving .... it's an interesting position.
I wish her joy and peace and love and all good things.

So happy to see Rachel and Ashba and kids this weekend!!!
So way happy for that! Rachel knows me probably better
than anybody on this earth, and she likes me anyway. lol.
It is awesome to have thAt one person to be completely open with.

I want to show love in as many ways as I can for everybody this week.

Thinking of my Erin and Erik leaving home this year.
Leaving into a commitment that will change their lives
and take them very far away from home, and that will
hold them tight to it for some years. Hoping their ready for it.
Not sure I am.
When I think of not seeing them every day,
of not making food for them, eating with them,
going to their school stuff, TALKING to them every day...
it breaks my heart, scares me a bit,
gives me a little anxiety for them,
and me.
On one hand so proud.
And the other wanting to hold them to me.
Especially Erin, because of her younger age I think.
And am I ready to be only with Pat full time?
Some days it seems like it will be a good time.
Some days it feels like it will be empty and boring and sad.
Imagine those both are true.
I look forward into this to so many changes.
Am I ready? Ready or not......

There are sisters in my ward that need loving
on a level beyond what we knew before yesterday.
I feel that I haven't been as active in my calling as
I was in the beginning, and I wish to give some energy to that.

I have made such a good friend here in this last several
months, she is fun and kind and loving and strong in her
beliefs. She has my back. She loves me. I love her.
It is a joy to have her in my life.

Pat and I working towards such good things.
It seems there is so much to say about him and I lately,
but I feel tender and private about it, wanting to hold it close.

I love my job.
I feel so blessed to work with the people that I work with,
and to do the work I'm doing.
I believe I have the potential to make a small difference
in childrens lives, by being a loving adult, who pays attention.
I think some drivers think it's just about getting them safely
from a to b, but I believe it's an OPPURTUNITY to love.

Having Erik AND Shawn in sacrament meeting with me yesterday,
was beyond awesome. My heart was full to bursting,
and I maintained so that they didn't feel uncomfortable with my emotions.
I am so excited to see Erik get his patriarchal blessing!!!
I'd like to get a copy of Shawn's and mine for us.

I feel, in general, very blessed these days.
Good friends.
Good job.
Good husband.
Good kids.
Good calling.
Blessed.

Blessed. Yes.

Much love ~

My two new meaningFULL quotes ~

~I forgive.
When I forgive it makes me very very very strong.
~ Rose Mapendo

~It is very painful in my heart.
But even if it’s very painful,
I don’t have it to be quiet.
I have it to do something
~Rose Mapendo

Rose Mapendo impresses me beyond
maybe anybody I've ever researched / known.
She knows pain, and knows how to live in joy.
I adore her spirit and her story touches me deeply.

I forgive.
And when I forgive it makes me very very very strong ~
YES!!!

I have pain in my heart too,
and I know I have it to DO something with it...
Time to get on with that.
Have courage Sue!!

Much love ~

Not to bow your head ~

~I cannot teach you violence,
as I do not myself believe in it.
I can only teach you
not to bow your heads before anyone
even at the cost of your life.
- Mahatma Gandhi

~ The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
- Mahatma Gandhi

I've had these two quotes as my signature
on my email for a couple of years now.
Every once in awhile I consider
changing my siggie... but then
I read these quotes and find
them still to be meaningful to me. Deeply.

When I first utilized them I was in a very bad place
in my life socially, crippled with fear and shame
and embarrassment and FEAR...
Barely left the house, only when I absolutely had to,
wasso scared to run into someone that would
lash out at me for something my son had done
and that had been in the paper
much exagerrated....

Then that very thing happened,
a lady that claimed to know me
from years prior, I had no memory of her,
really let me have it in Safeway,
asking horrible questions in an accusatory tone,
and saying things that were horrible and mean.
Gaining the attention of many people around us.

Amazingly I found something inside
and stood up for myself.
So that first quote has to do with that,
with not holding shame,
with not allowing anyone else to shame ME.
I still need the truth
of that deep conviction to remind me.
It did assist me to go back
out into the world and LIVE my life.

The second is because I have always been
a very easily forgiving soul,
letting things go quite quickly and completely,
and I've taken some firefor it.
I figure that second quote validates that
I'm on the right track re forgiveness.

Much love, Sue

Oxygen is my New Friend

So it would seem that for most of my life
I've lived with O2 Deprivation.
I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea,
officially, because I've been told for several years
I probably have it, but finally took the sleep study.

An amazing adventure in being wired and watched.

It turns out that within two hours of sleep my O2
level was at 51%. That's apparrently low enough
to cause some concern. lol.

So for a bit over two weeks now,
I've been using a CPAP machine (forced air)
and an oxygen generator, while sleeping.
I'm still adjusting to the mask,
although it's not as bad as I imagined.

I am beginning to see some changes resulting
I assume
from not being in physiological panic from O2 deprivation every night,
such as
My tasting has changed.
Stuff tastes different.
Didn't expect that.
I am experiencing longer lasting energy,
but am still prone to sleepiness late evening.
`Course it used to be late afternoon... so that is a change.
I can also do hard physical work
without getting sore and tired and achey, that's nice.

I know I've lived in a state of lack concerning O2 for some years,
perhaps even decades as I've been told my snoring is atrocious
for all of my adult life.
So I assume my body has some healing to do,
and knowing that our cells undergo constant renewal,
and in fact every 12 months our body is 98% brand new,
some organs renewing every 7 days or less, I expect
to feel and be much healthier in the coming months,
and I accept this will be a process, not quickly over, of improvement.

And I am feeling blessed by Oxygen tonight!
Much love and deep breathing, Sue

INVITATIONS 2009

A sweet lovely woman on the SARK message board
Made a list of Invitations for the year 2009 ~ I thought
this was an awesome idea, really good psychologically,
and spiritually, and I love love love the name ~ Invitations!!

So I made a list, off the cuff, and here it is ~
* light
* laughter
* surrender
* faith
* action
* fitness
* health
* creativity
* follow-through
* love
* loving-kindness
* love-making
* loyalty
* gratitude
* happy happy joy joy (it's ONE thing!!)
* loads o`cash
* publisher
* courage (to put it out there!!)
* simplicity
* synchronicity
* serendipity
* fun
* depth
* conversation
* generosity
* ease
* authenticity
* awareness of miracles
* miracles

Wishing you all a loving happy new year.
Sue

Christmas, it is what it is.

My Christmas journey has been
varied and I dare say, interesting.

I have clear memories of my childhood
Christmas's, Christmas Eve to be accurate,
I don't remember much about Christmas mornings.
We used to go out to my Grandmother's house
every Christmas Eve, and have this huge family
gathering. She had 9 children, and usually they
were all there with their children and grandchildren,
it was awesome. The best of family gatherings!!
Presents, laughter, good food, cousins, aunts and uncles...

After my Grandma passed away in 1995 we didn't do those anymore.
Christmas Eve has ceased being special,
It occurs to me that maybe I should do something about that.

We usually had dinner on Christmas day with my Mom and Dad,
in their home, with whichever other of my parent's children
could, or chose to, come. I have clear memories of my
Dad's laughter, and prayers and tears of joy for his family
being together and safe and loving one another.
He will be gone four years! this January.

His death was vile and difficult and deeply sad
for all of us. That year, 2005, was RIFE with pain.
Pain not only from Dad's passing, but from other
trauma, written about some other time perhaps,
that also seriously adjusted my Christmas's.

For the last three Christmas's I've been deeply wounded,
sad, wishing and pushing against what IS.
Lost really, regarding HOW to have Christmas with my
family in such a state of seperation,
as Christmas has been all about family for me, for all my life.

Yesterday I sat at my Mama's big family antique table,
with my husband and two of my children.
Just the four of us.
And I wasted nary a moment wishing for what was,
hurting for what's been lost.
Instead I was greatful, and peaceful, and o.k.
Not doing back flips mind you, but o.k.

And I wonder a bit about the years to come,
as my two youngest graduate this year,
and both have plans to join the military right
after graduation. What will my next Christmas's be?

I plan to love them, no matter what they look like.
I plan to gift and give and love and accept love,
no matter how many people are sitting at my table.

Merry Christmas,
From one learning to accept and love what IS.