Christmas, it is what it is.

My Christmas journey has been
varied and I dare say, interesting.

I have clear memories of my childhood
Christmas's, Christmas Eve to be accurate,
I don't remember much about Christmas mornings.
We used to go out to my Grandmother's house
every Christmas Eve, and have this huge family
gathering. She had 9 children, and usually they
were all there with their children and grandchildren,
it was awesome. The best of family gatherings!!
Presents, laughter, good food, cousins, aunts and uncles...

After my Grandma passed away in 1995 we didn't do those anymore.
Christmas Eve has ceased being special,
It occurs to me that maybe I should do something about that.

We usually had dinner on Christmas day with my Mom and Dad,
in their home, with whichever other of my parent's children
could, or chose to, come. I have clear memories of my
Dad's laughter, and prayers and tears of joy for his family
being together and safe and loving one another.
He will be gone four years! this January.

His death was vile and difficult and deeply sad
for all of us. That year, 2005, was RIFE with pain.
Pain not only from Dad's passing, but from other
trauma, written about some other time perhaps,
that also seriously adjusted my Christmas's.

For the last three Christmas's I've been deeply wounded,
sad, wishing and pushing against what IS.
Lost really, regarding HOW to have Christmas with my
family in such a state of seperation,
as Christmas has been all about family for me, for all my life.

Yesterday I sat at my Mama's big family antique table,
with my husband and two of my children.
Just the four of us.
And I wasted nary a moment wishing for what was,
hurting for what's been lost.
Instead I was greatful, and peaceful, and o.k.
Not doing back flips mind you, but o.k.

And I wonder a bit about the years to come,
as my two youngest graduate this year,
and both have plans to join the military right
after graduation. What will my next Christmas's be?

I plan to love them, no matter what they look like.
I plan to gift and give and love and accept love,
no matter how many people are sitting at my table.

Merry Christmas,
From one learning to accept and love what IS.